Weight loss and the Ego/Inner Child

Losing weight is a funny thing and a great mystery to so many of us. What makes us lose weight? What makes us gain weight? It seems that there are as many answers and there are people. Throughout this article I wish to share with you a perspective that has allowed me to lose weight and a bit of the journey that led me to it. It’s multidimensional so be prepared to have a few beliefs shattered as that seems to be the case when we step outside the “box” and look at things from a higher perspective or “bigger picture.” But, as always, use discernment and if anything I write doesn’t resonate for you please feel free to toss it.

For most of my life I was one of those fortunate people who didn’t have to be concerned with my weight. I could eat a pint of ice cream for breakfast and not gain an ounce. This changed once I embarked on the Spiritual Path in 1994. At first it was just a 3-5 pound fluctuation but then it increased once I got serious about spiritual growth and in 1996 began conscious emotional clearing in order to ascend. By 1998 I had gained nearly 30 pounds. For me this was tragic as it triggered all my childhood fears of being scorned and ridiculed as my mother had been. I tried dieting using a high protein/low carbohydrate diet, the water diet where you drink half your weight in ounces of water each day and a few others. Each time I lost a few pounds but quickly regained them once I got off the diet.

I tried exercising but within a couple of days would pull a muscle. I tried yoga doing 90 minutes of yoga in a 105 degree room for 90 minutes, 4 times a week. The first time I walked into the studio and felt the intense heat I thought, “Oh my god, I must be insane!” Yet I persevered and it helped more than anything, but I found I just couldn’t keep it up 4 times a week. I wasn’t physically ready as my adrenals were too depleted. Each thing I tried helped a little but once I stopped it, the weight returned.

It’s not what you eat, it’s what you’re holding on to and why

I consulted my guides several times over the years about this issue and each time they would say that weight has nothing to do with what I ate and everything to do with my emotions. Their exact word were, “It’s not what you eat, it’s what you’re holding on to and why.” Using the multidimensional principles they had taught me, I theorized that it meant that I must find value in the additional fat since one of their primary principles was that “everything has a value.” So, the fat was there to protect me so protection was its value. I wrote an article titled, “The Value of Being Overweight” based on this finding.

Though finding a value in the weight helped, it didn’t solve the problem. The full meaning of their words still escaped me so I continued my search.


In a later conversation, (again about how to lose the weight) my guides also informed me that accepting and loving my curvy body would help me shed the extra pounds. To this I replied, “Are you insane? How can you expect anyone to love being fat?” (Yep, I was a bit upset.) But once again, using the multidimensional principles they had taught me I set about learning to love my 30 lbs. of fat. “Oh how exciting!”, I thought to myself. “They might as well have said, ‘learn to love shoveling dog sh—t.’”

This one was so hard for me that I gave up several times before finally getting it. They had taught me that love, real love–not the co -dependent version, is a feeling that we express through our behavior. It is comprised of 4 components, Trust, Kindness, Allowing and Acceptance. So, if I loved my fat, I would express this feeling by:

  • trusting that my Soul and Inner Child knew that having it was in my best interest,
  • accepting that it has a value and that value is protection,
  • allowing it to be there and not trying to get rid of it because it was of great value,
  • and showing my body kindness by buying nice clothes in the appropriate size with the intent that I would be wearing them for as long as need be.

Allowing and kindness were the hardest because they went against everything I had been taught about being fat. It took a while but I finally I realized that being relaxed about it made a big difference. I wasn’t pumping those stress hormones, (they can cause weight gain) like I was before.

The Ego/Inner Child Connection

During this time we went through a major shift in our lives moving from Los Angeles back to Kansas City in early 2001. Soon after, I was given another clue in solving the mystery of weight loss. I had known for some time that the Ego/Inner Child played a role in my weight gain but I did not know exactly how.

My guides had taught me the multidimensional perspective on the Ego/Inner Child and explained that the Ego was the same as the Inner Child, and that once we realized this, we would experience self-love since self-love is the experience of caring for the Ego/Inner Child. And yes, I wrote an article about that too. It’s titled, “Are the Inner Child and the Ego the Same?” Yep, they give ‘em to me and I write ‘em up. That’s my job.

My guides shared another little gift: the Ego/Inner Child’s (or Ego/IC for short) role in weight loss. As they explained it, the Ego/IC sees him/herself as our physical body and responds to our negative self-talk as a small child would respond to a parent’s criticism. That meant that every time I looked in the mirror at my plump little body and felt disgust, my Ego/IC experienced that feeling as me being disgusted with her.

They also shared that the Ego/Inner Child’s sole purpose is survival in the moment and at all costs. That meant that each time I felt disgusted about my weight, my little Ego/IC would take action and do something that would make me feel better in that moment so that I would love her again. That translated as eating potato chips or some other form of comfort food. So the more I felt disgusted the more I was impulsed by my Ego/IC to eat to find comfort. What a vicious cycle! Because the Ego/Inner Child lives in the moment, the impulse to eat comes right on the heels of my thoughts of disgust. Wow!

Energy Management

The final piece of the weight loss puzzle fell into place several months later after my hysterectomy and subsequent introduction into Natural Hormone Replacement Therapy(NHRT). I had thought that it was the final piece in achieving weight loss; it wasn’t. But it did help a lot with debilitating effects of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (my payback for trying to rush through the emotional clearing work necessary for ascension). Once again, the final piece involved the Ego/Inner Child. Yet, this time it was about energy reserves.

I had written an article, “Facing the Fear of Success,” about the fear of success and using the Energy Account method that my guides had taught me but, I didn’t realize it could also be applied to losing weight. In that article I discussed energy expenditure as it applied to the Ego/Inner Child.

The Ego/Inner Child needs a certain amount of energy each day to keep the body alive and functioning properly. When we expend too much energy on a daily basis we deplete those levels beyond the critical point. When that happens the Ego/IC goes into what I call maternity mode. In maternity mode the IC treats this excessive expenditure of energy as it would a pregnancy. When women get pregnant they begin to gain weight as a protection against starvation. The Ego/Inner Child feels it is being starved because too much of his/her energy is being given away to others. Usually we do this because we fear that if we don’t use our energy to others, we will not be loved and accepted by them.

When we give this level of energy we are usually co-dependent and are in some way are emotionally or physically rescuing (caretaking) someone . Here’s the key: The Ego/Inner Child sees each of these individuals as babies that we are feeding! In other words, the more people you caretake the more babies you have in the eyes of your Ego/Inner Child!

In this caretaking consciousness or mentality the IC will take about 90% of every morsel you put in your mouth and store it as fat. When you go beyond your energetic limits, the Ego/IC will pull from these storage areas to give you the energy you want to use for others so that you can survive and so that you will still love him/her. By the way, this goes for men as well as women. The Ego/IC sees no difference between male and female and feeding babies or expending energy. This also ties into over-working or failure to delegate.

I had to take a good hard look at myself to see where I was still caretaking. Before I go any further let me explain what I mean by caretaking. Caretaking in this context means doing for others something that they can and should do for themselves. Another word for it is enabling. Boy, learning how to not take another’s power by rescuing them is a hard lesson for me. I was a mother from the age of 6 having to take care of my younger brothers. I learned early that my parents’ acceptance of me hinged on my ability to keep my younger brothers clean, safe and out of their hair. The better I did this the more they approved of me. So love and acceptance were tied to motherhood for me.

Learning to undo this belief had been a long and difficult journey. My guides gave me a technique to use to determine when I was caretaking. It’s called the “What’s Not Working in My Life” technique. You’ll find it in the booklet Hold On To Nothing and You’ll Have Everything, the 4th Key of Compassion. Without this technique I could determine where and how I was caretaking.


Once I got clear on where I was still caretaking and then took the step to set limits, I went on to the final step of making agreements (6th Key of Compassion. Agreements, as I have learned, are how we tell others what our needs and limits are so that they don’t become hidden expectations. Having the agreements enabled me to honor my energetic limits and gain the support of others in doing so. As I continued to do this I noticed that my body began to respond and drop the additional pounds of fat. To date I am down to a size 8 from a size 12. I haven’t exercised in a month due to a broken exercise bike waiting to be repaired, and have been eating junk food most every night without gaining an ounce.

In closing, I have to say, the guides were right; it isn’t about what you eat, it’s about the emotions you are holding when you eat. Sometimes the emotions are warranted, as in grief, but sometimes they are not. Emotions that are caused by acting out dysfunctional beliefs (caretaking or enabling) are most often behind weight gain. In those cases we can achieve the weight loss we seek by changing those situations.

I’ll continue to exercise and try to eat right, but I realize my weight loss or gain will not be affected much by either. What will affect it is my attitude and willingness to accept weight gain during times of great stress, knowing that those times will pass and so will the extra pounds.

I hope this article provides some measure of insight, inspiration and relief to all those who are currently overweight. Loving your Ego/Inner Child…really loving him or her will bring you greater rewards than all the diets, diet pills and hours spent in the gym than you can imagine. For me, discovering this multidimensional knowledge about the Ego/Inner Child was not just a solution to my weight problem, it was another avenue to feeling self–love and therefore, ascension, and isn’t that what we all want?

In Service,

Jelaila Starr

Written May 13, 2002

Additional Reading

The Value of Being Overweight

Facing the Fear of Success

Are the Inner Child and the Ego the Same?

Give your Inner Child a Say

Make your Inner Child your Partner