Passing On, Part 3: Playing the Dark Role

During these times of great change, it seems that every day brings another opportunity to learn from the painful challenges that come our way. In some cases several lessons are learned through the same challenge. Such has been the case with the passing of my father and the circumstances surrounding it.

I’ve already written about two of the lessons; you will find them in my previous two updates. This week I share what I feel is the most profound of the three lessons; it involves my mother. A brief bit of history.

Since I can remember, I have struggled to have a relationship with my mom. Even as a small child I felt I had to compete with something else in her life. As the years went by and I grew into a young adult, I found that in order to have a relationship I had to take sides, her side, in the war between my parents. It wasn’t until I was in my early 40s that I finally understood the core beliefs that created that war. It was then, with the help of the Formula of Compassion that I was able to release my father and, to some degree, my mother from my anger and blame. I felt that I had done all that was needed because after 20 years, I was able to visit them and feel relaxed. My mother and I could have a conversation without her drawing me into her newest battle with my dad.

That changed in what would become the final months of my father’s life. After 58 years of marriage, my mother divorced him. Dad didn’t want the divorce; he loved my mother in spite of everything. Still, Mom was determined. My brothers and I stood by aghast as Mom, with the help of her attorney, turned what could have been an amicable divorce proceeding into a messy debacle filled with stress, bitterness and rage. My heart hurt for both of them.

Two weeks later my father developed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Chemotherapy eliminated the tumor on his neck but the cancer resurfaced as lymphoma in his brain a few months later. It was hard for my bothers and me not to blame my mother. Sure, we knew that she did not cause the cancer, but we felt the way in which she had treated Dad through the divorce had played a part.

Mom, to her credit, was with my father during his last days. She had traveled to Texas, Mom lives in Oklahoma, to stay until the end. My father passed on March 8, 2009.

As I wrote in the last two weekly messages, Dad’s illness and passing gave our family a chance to heal. Though we were able to heal with each other, we had not done so with my mother. Her steadfast refusal to attend my father’s memorial due to a long-standing conflict with Dad’s last remaining sister only made it harder. Mom had told us that she would not attend if we allowed Aunt Catherine to come. My brothers and I had decided that the war would end with Dad’s passing. Aunt Catherine could attend if she so desired. We informed Mom of this and let her know that she would be missed. Dad’s memorial service was held on March 15th, my daughter’s 21st birthday. The family gathered to celebrate both.

I returned home the following week. It was challenging to get back to work not only because I had been gone for the better part of a month but because the grief over my father’s death combined with intense anger towards my mother, made it hard to concentrate. Each day seemed to be more difficult than the next with uncontrollable bouts of tears followed by numbness. After about a week, I realized I could not go on until I released my mother. Using the higher dimensional principles I had been taught along with my soul and guides’ help, I went to work. It took just over a week but I was finally able to let go of my anger and release Mom from blame.

Had it not been for my mother’s decision to divorce my dad, I would not have had those months with him in fall of 2007 and the summer of 2008. Dad had come to stay with me when my mom had kicked him out. During those months I discovered the man my father really was; a man who loved his family and stood by them, a man with honor and integrity. My father also spent time with my brothers and the same thing happened with them; judgments were banished and old wounds healed. Once again, that would not have happened had he and my mother remained married. Any visits would have been short and thus lacking the time to develop.

Secondly, had my mother’s treatment of my father during the divorce not been so ugly and disrespectful, he may not have developed the cancer. Without the cancer, my brothers and I would not have put aside our differences and rallied to help him. And finally, had my father not chosen to give up the fight and return to Texas to await death, our family would not have come together and healed. So, my mother, as a soul and playing the dark role, became the catalyst to heal our family. My father played his part by taking on the cancer. I see it as a loving soul contract between my parents to reunite and heal their children. Once I understood this, I was able to release my mother from blame.

It is said that the souls who love us the most play the most difficult and painful roles in our lives. Why? Their love is so strong that they can endure years of intense hatred, judgment, anger and blame from their children until the lesson is learned. Learning the lesson means that we finally understand that we have the same feelings, fears and behaviors as the person playing the dark role. So it has been with my mom. She is an amazing soul with such a loving heart that she would take on a very painful role and risk losing us in order to fulfill it.

Life after the release has been much better. The clouds of gloom and hopeless that had engulfed me are gone. It is as though my heart have been released from a self-created hell. New opportunities are opening up now and the future is much brighter. I feel it is what my mother, on the soul level, wanted for me. I am so grateful. My mom, well—she is still the same: she knows nothing of my efforts and that’s okay. It is said that when we release someone from the role, they are able to come back into our lives in a new way. This work is done first at the soul level and then it filters into the physical and conscious levels. I look forward to seeing my mother change and become happier and more at peace. If she changes towards me as well, that would be great but it’s not important anymore. What is important is that I am at peace with her and I can go on now and open my heart in ways I was unable to in the past.

I hope that my story will help you heal with someone in your life.

Jelaila Starr

Written March 30, 2009

Passing On, Part 1: A Father’s Enduring Love

Passing On, Part 2: A Time of Lessons & Blessings