Compassion for Mom

It’s Mother’s Day again. The time of year that used to bring such emotional turmoil; what to give that my mom would like and I could afford. LOL

Of course, many would not experience such an emotional struggle as they had good experiences of their mom when growing up. Mine was not. As much as it pains me to say, my mother and I were not close. I wanted to be but she just wouldn’t allow it.

This emotional isolation was hard to understand, especially in light of how hard I tried to win her love. Hence the angst on Mother’s Day, spending money I couldn’t afford buy crystal (Mom collected crystal).

This is the second year since my mother’s passing, the second year I didn’t have to feel that emotional turmoil. I thought I’d be relieved but instead I feel something else … sadness … and then compassion.

I’ve worked hard to clear the pain of my relationship with my mother, yet no matter how many times I believed I was done, more anger emerged. Anger at wanting love so badly and not receiving it. Anger at trying so hard only to come up empty handed. I see it affecting my relationship with my own daughter.

I have no positive role mother for how to nurture my child … which explains why we have had so many challenges. I advise and counsel instead of holding, hugging and simply–listening. I want to change this; I want to be the mother I always wanted. I have prayed and asked my guides to help me see what I must do, what I must release in order to become that person.

Today as I awoke I thought of my mom. I thought about where she is right now and what she is doing on the other side. Is she happy? Is she with my dad and my brother? I she living in the blue house with the side front porch that she always wanted? Did my brother build it for her? Like me, he would have done anything to make her smile…

A thought drops in … my mother as a child standing at the grave of her older sister Christine. It happened so quickly, her life turned upside down. With Christine gone my mom has no one … she is just 9 years old.

Death is a part of life during the Great Depression. Families bury their loved ones and move quickly on. There is no time for grieving … only for surviving. My mom shuts the door on her grief … and soon the walls form around her heart.

Fast forward 30 years … we are a family of 6 kids. Dad travels for work so mom is left to raise us. She struggles each day with undiagnosed major depression.

I lay there marveling at how she managed each day … with six kids and no husband around to help. I am amazed at the energy it must have taken to feed, cloth and care for us, especially on those days when she felt so bad.

Mom could have left us; just walked away, but she didn’t … because she loved us.

Today is Mother’s Day and I am grateful for my mother. My heart swells with joy realizing just how much my mother loved me. I know this now because I see just how much love it required for her to stay in spite of all her emotional pain. Thank you Mom, and happy Mother’s Day in heaven.

A big hug to all you moms,

Jelaila Starr