Walking near the water along a wide, white sandy beach in Huntington Beach, California. I’m in no hurry with no place to go or any need to be anywhere. It’s where I have found myself each and every morning for weeks. I was born and raised in California … it’s my home and I love it. I particularly love the ocean with all its smells, moods, and amazing beauty.
Living in Kansas City, I felt trapped there in a strange land where I did not belong and try as I might, I could not seem to free myself from the place. Finally after 4 years, out of the blue, an old friend called to catch up on things on New Years of 2005. I told her of my desire to return to the West Coast and she ended up offering me an invitation to come to California and stay at her place to see if something would develop for me from there. I knew right away that even though there were a lot of questions and uncertainties in going, not the least of which was money to be able to keep a residence in Kansas City and be living in California at the same time, it was the open door I’d been asking for. Three days later, with the encouragement of my wife, I was on a plane on my way back to California.
After spending seven weeks in northern California with my friend and experiencing substantial challenges, another door opened and I found myself on my way home to LA.
It’s now six months later. Like many mornings in this enchanting land, tears roll down my cheeks As I walk along the shore, terror pulsating through my heart as the panic in my gut that has been there for months threatens to overtake me. I’m grateful that this is a weekday without too many people here who might notice this strange man walking along the beach crying and talking to himself in yet one more attempt to hold on to sanity for some purpose that sounds like insanity even as I think it. A large part of my daily energy is spent just staving off that panic that lurks within because deep inside me I know that there is no answer for me, even if there is for others. I feel like I am in the wrong reality on the wrong planet, and that soon even insanity won’t bail me out because there really is no way out!
Then I force myself to focus on the task at hand in my 3D world – maybe something simple like just driving my car along a familiar road – only to feel like even if I do make it through today, there’s really no way to make it through tomorrow which will undoubtedly be worse. The panic will win and all will be lost.
As I experience all this, I can remember days, even weeks of depression throughout my life that felt like it would devour me and even my conscious state of being. At those times I felt I would never be able to get back … that maybe this is what it’s like to go insane … or worse yet maybe I’ll go insane and it will just be more of the same hopelessness, but with some terrible unimaginable circumstances that will finally bring forward that which I fear the most, if only I could really know what that is.
I used to experience the depression as a feeling over which I had no control. I was a victim of this “feeling” and it came upon me with no choice of mine involved. Eventually, over the years I learned to take responsibility for my depression. To me, taking responsibility is to see myself as cause in the action or event. Over time I saw the depression as an emotion that was generated, albeit unconsciously, for a purpose … and generated by a part of me. I didn’t want to see this, of course, because then I would know that I’m the one who can change things, and that felt overwhelming.
Looking for the payoff helped me to make this adjustment. I discovered that being depressed gave me an escape from something even worse … those feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, despair, abandonment and shame. These were feelings at different times that I could not stand to feel. I also did not have the multidimensional tools, like The Keys of Compassion, to deal with such powerful and forbidden feelings. I can truly appreciate the value of that emotion I used to generate in order to not feel what I now feel with regularity. Before these feelings led to ideas of self-destruction as I became obsessed with suicide, which seemed like the only way to deal with this intense pain. I could only see myself as a failure, which was accompanied by a thought and belief that I should have done more and been more than I am and have been. And, not only during the last 71/2 years with Jelaila and The Nibiruan Council, but throughout my life.
I’ve had periods of great success for years at a time but it always ends in a total collapse into to failure and bankruptcy with an emotional free fall that has that unmistakable connection to destiny … that no matter how hard I work and how well I succeed, some unknown force will bring me down. It doesn’t have to make sense … it just seems to feel that way.
Years ago, before I was born, my grandfather on my father’s side was laid off from the railroad where he had worked steadily for many years. I don’t know what went on when he came home that day other than what he did. He went outside with his rifle and blew a hole through his head and through his right eye, the same eye through which I experience limited sight and have since birth. Now here I find myself at his same age, with a business that can’t support me, unemployed and feeling lost. This must be like what he felt. I can also still remember walking into the closed up garage as a child and finding the car running with my unemployed father in it. He was unsuccessful in his suicide attempt because of my mother’s intervention. The need to be for another and live up to certain expectations under threat of humiliation and failure seems to be a pattern, a deep one. I also saw failure as unacceptable and failure meant that I no longer had a right to be here. The overwhelming power of this perspective can only be explained by a galactic connection, which I’ll explain below.
Shortly after marrying Jelaila in l998, I lost my company that I had for over 12 years. The company had been successful not only in terms of money and reputation, but also as an extended family. All the employees and even the subcontractors were emotionally bound together as a group . The company was called Pacific States Construction and when someone had a baby, they all referred to the new arrival as a “Pacific States’ baby”! We went through our trials and tribulations as a group and as the family that it was, and all the people were very special to me. When certain events brought it all to an unpreventable, devastating collapse, I took it very hard. I spend years depressed and feeling like it was all my fault and it should not have happened. Even the higher perspective did not do much to alleviate the pain, but it did explain why it was so painful and why I could not get over it.
As a reptilian being, which is my fundamental although not exclusive genetics from a galactic perspective, a state of consciousness exists that says one must earn his/her right to exist. Any failure is unacceptable and is met with overwhelming humiliation. The only honorable way out is death … the Samurai falling on his sword. Whaf’s words, “Today is a good day to die,” always resonated with me. Failure is unacceptable, excuses and reasons irrelevant. This is why, I believe, that so many of us are particularly overwhelmed with depression and the intensely dark feelings of abandonment, powerlessness, hopelessness and especially shame. And it is why we manifest this darkness disproportionately to our situation as seen in our 3D life. It is because it is connected to so much more … galactic issues held by entire races of beings that have existed for eons of time. These races are now stuck and many of us are here to create a new template…a new belief system…that they, and thus we, can use to find a way out.
Most of you reading this article on this website know that it is the Draconians who appear to be ruling this planet. They seem to be having a ball doing what they please, the darker the better. But they must succeed at all cost as failure is not an option. What you may not know is that they have given away their right “to be” to others. While from our 3D perspective, they seem to have it made, they are enslaved and trapped by others who own them, having “sold their souls to the devil,” so to speak. The role that they are playing for humanity in this Polarity Integration Game* is indeed very polarized to the Dark. Its value will probably not be appreciated except from the perspective of the inhabitants of an ascended planet that has multidimensional compassion** as part of its everyday consciousness. There must be a way out for this race playing such a valuable role for all of us throughout this universe … a way through the depression, powerlessness, and shame that will result when their role ends. This template*** will be a new belief system that they can use. I suppose that my 3D genetics that trace back to Austria have some tie in with this and with my purpose as I search for a way out, a pathway that others may follow (still more for me to learn about that).
At this writing it even feels like The Nibiruan Council, the small company that I purchased in early 1998, has merely been another of my personal failures, even though it has been a great success for Jelaila, Devin and many others. For me, it seems like I should have done more, been more and accomplished more. I should have written more articles and spoken to more people. It’s just never enough. On a day like this one, even my knowledge of the templates that we have created and the 9D grid around our 3D earth won’t alleviate this pain. And I know that this is all a template, or the creating of the template, to be more accurate. As I understand it, no reptilian has ever walked this path before. The path that I am referring to is that of valuing one self above the belief that one must do, accomplish and be successful in order to earn the day to day right to be here, to be alive.
As I trudge along this beautiful beach, agonizing over these thoughts and feelings, part of me knows that, to create this template, all that I am experiencing is what I need to experience. Everything is as it should be. But it is a fleeting moment of clarity of purpose that is soon overwhelmed with fear, uncertainty then the terror that something is horribly very wrong. And so it starts all over again.
I suppose when it abates permanently, the template will be complete. Life will actually make sense again and I can manifest once again what I want without needing to prove or be anything in order to have the right to just be me. Soon I hope that I can stop living out of a suitcase as I’ve done since January 8th. I can make a new home here in California and create something I really love. Maybe we can even reunite and create a whole new reality and actually live in peace and harmony, fully appreciating our diversity.
Written July 2005
The Polarity Integration Game
What is Compassion?