The Keys to a Happy Family Gathering

The holidays are upon us and with them come the emotional stress that gathering with our families can bring. As Lightworkers it is difficult enough to get through the rest of the year dealing with the feelings that estrangement or at the least, differing belief systems can bring without having to feel the additional pain that holidays and estrangement always seem to bring.

During the holidays we see all around us images of families gathered around the fireplace or sitting down to a holiday meal, it appears to only remind us of the gulf that yawns between us and the loved ones from whom we are separated. And though we tell ourselves, Yeah, but it’s for the best. Or I’m glad not to be part of that family anymore, if we are honest with ourselves, we will admit there is more to it. Then we can acknowledge that we feel the sorrow of our split family. Then we can acknowledge that not being accepted and understood because we chose to think differently is connected to a deep hurt which remains buried deep inside us.

My family is very typical of what I described above. My parents, now in their late sixties and early seventies, along with my brothers, nieces, nephews and their children, are all fundamentalist Christians. My husband and I are Spiritualists, at the bleeding edge of metaphysics. We acknowledge the existence of ETs, life on other planets, Walk-ins, Starseeds and the Light and Dark uses of Wiccan and other esoteric knowledge. As a result, my family thinks I have lost it and am long overdue for an extended visit to the local nuthouse. Yet, with that in mind, they also have come to accept my right to believe the way that I believe and still love me. Therefore, family gatherings are not unbearable anymore.

How this came about was quite by accident, or as we say, divine guidance. As one who somehow stumbled upon the way to bridge that gulf, I would like to share a little of that story with you, along with the steps that I used to create that bridge. The steps to which I am referring are known as the 6 Keys of Compassion, three of which are used here in my story.

My hope is that by me doing so you will have the opportunity to take advantage of the tools I used, and create a bridge of healing, compassion and acceptance. Through that bridge you will finally have a happy holiday gathering with the family you left behind.

And once that bridge is built, you will continue to use it to provide you with the means to heal the wounds of the past; the wounds that were inflicted when you choose to begin your spiritual path. As most of us Lightworkers, Starseeds and Walk-ins have come to learn, the spiritual path in many cases creates a tear in the fabric of a family’s unity; a unity built on beliefs that are not all based in truth.

My story began with the spontaneous last minute decision to return to Nashville, Tennessee for a family reunion in May of 1997. I say last minute because I had decided against going several weeks earlier when the invitation arrived. It had only been about eight months since I walked away from my 3D business of six years to become an intuitive/psychic counselor.

Facing my former business associates and colleagues and handing out my new business cards at Chamber of Commerce meetings was hard enough without adding a reunion with my extended family into the equation. In many ways my former colleagues were much more understanding than my family since they looked upon my new spiritual venture as a creative business venture, and due to my reputation as a visionary and entrepreneur who created good and profitable ideas, they gave me more leeway.

On the other hand, my family still saw me as they had known me when I was growing up; the black sheep, the one that lived to buck the system, and create havoc and heartache by my determination not to conform. They saw my new spiritual venture and belief system as just the latest scheme in a long list of schemes to further attack and undermine our family’s unity. And since I had been pretty much estranged from them for the last 12 years or so, they did not really know much about my former accomplishments in the world of business. To them I was still the rebel who would do nothing of consequence with her life except cause trouble and heap more shame upon the family name. It was in this state of affairs that I made my impulsive decision to drive the 12 hours to Nashville from Kansas City, Missouri, for what was in my opinion, the most trying of family events: the family reunion.

As I drove the miles across Missouri, I spent that time taking each family member with whom I had conflict (and in my opinionated, quarrelsome family, that meant all seven of them) through the Formula of Compassion. The Formula of Compassion (we call it the Formula for short) is the higher dimensional mental/emotional technique given to me by my guides to see the lesson in every conflict I have, and then release all those involved from blame. As a result I gain the reward of not only releasing myself from the disempowering feelings of victimhood and the rage and helplessness that victimhood engenders, but also the reward of being able to hold more of the frequency of compassion in my body for the process of ascension.

By the time I reached my oldest brother Mike’s house where I would be staying, I was in a state of peace and tranquility. I knew that in order for me to endure even the first evening without becoming totally unglued, I would have to see them all from a higher perspective, the God perspective of acceptance and non-judgement. This, The Formula did for me. Thank God!

Now you may think that my processing on the drive and my feelings towards my family are a little exaggerated. Well, if you knew my family, you would know that I am only skimming the surface. We are just a little dysfunctional. (an understatement!)

In our family, holidays and family gatherings can be quite volatile. We have many skeletons in our closets. In fact, there are so many that we need warehouses in which to store them. Suicide, alcohol, drugs, manic depression, mental illness, divorces, sexual and physical abuse; you name it, we’ve got it. And because of our family pattern of sweeping these unpleasant things under the rug and keeping family secrets, these wonderful family gatherings have been known to erupt into full-blown emotional wars. My brother’s wives side with their husbands, while my parents desperately try to establish peace between their fighting offspring whose childhood pain from some of these events comes raging to the forefront begging for release and healing that never comes. This painful peace only comes when one or more of us run out and leave the remaining family members to finish their day in a now phony cheerfulness established for the sake of the astonished and terrified grandchildren.

The dark cloud of hurt feelings and wounded inner children crying in pain settles over our family only to be quickly swept under the rug in order to keep the family intact. Sound familiar?

Continuing on: so due to the knowledge of our history in regards to family gatherings, I felt it imperative to keep the Formula in mind at all times throughout this weekend of our family reunion. In keeping with the steps of the Formula, I moved through each day and each reconnection with my family members, and saw each of them as their emotionally scarred and wounded inner child. In keeping with the Compassion Key, the 2nd Key of Compassion, I saw that we as souls had each made contracts in the Interlife (the time between lives) to assist each other in spiritual growth and personal empowerment.

I saw those who played my betrayers and sexual/physical abusers as souls who loved me the most; enough to be willing to be despised, rejected, and abandoned by me in order to help me learn to set personal boundaries around my body and my sexuality.

Using the Compassion Key, the 2nd Key of Compassion, I tried seeing my father who emotionally abandoned me when I was a young girl entering puberty, as the little boy whose mother died when he was young, and left him with an abusive, angry father; the same father that sent my dad’s three younger brothers and sisters to an orphanage after their mother’s death, and put him on the streets to work. Never had he mourned the loss of his mother because his fear of survival took precedence. He had to help bring money in so that the remaining family members could eat.

I wondered, as I sat there at the family reunion watching him talk to one of my brothers, how many nights he laid his young, tired body down to sleep and yearned for his mama’s gentle touch and her soft voice that used to sing him to into his dreams. How many times did he wish for sleep to come so that he could once again escape from the pain that surely came at night, when the absence of his mother was felt the most. I finally understood how, for my father, loving someone that much again would be too risky, so he shut his heart away.

I was his mother all over again (I looked, walked and talked like her). This always seemed to make him happy, and I suspect was the real reason, besides being the only girl, that I was his favorite. But when I hit puberty his attitude towards me changed. I was no longer allowed to hug or kiss him and I was never told why. Now I understand that it wasn’t just my blossoming womanhood to which he did not know how to respond, it was that I now posed too much of a risk for him to love unconditionally as I was becoming a woman like his mother. Finally understanding this made the pain of being abandonment almost disappear. It was not knowing why I had been rejected that made it hurt so badly. I felt compassion for my father and for the love he missed out on when he turned from me. I saw that he hurt too because in my confusion and anger over being abandoned, I rejected him in order to not hurt so much myself.

And my mother, she was my nemesis, my accuser. In her family she was the little girl who tried so hard to get her father’s approval and attention only to be usurped by her younger sister who was the rebel and her father’s favorite. Mother was the good little girl who thought that by being good, she would be accepted and loved, but much to her dismay, the love she sought so desperately went to the rebellious younger sister who took it for granted. How this must have hurt her, and all the more because it didn’t make sense based on what she had been taught from the pulpit every Sunday as she dutifully donned her Sunday best and followed her parents to church. All my mother wanted was love, and her conflicts with me arose from her childhood. I was once again her little sister, always getting the attention she felt was rightfully hers, and once again, the father figure’s favorite.

Many times during this three-day weekend, my patience and intent were tested to the max as some family members went out of their way to avoid me, not knowing what to say to me. They had heard about my book, We are the Nibiruans, and were at a loss as to how to deal with me. My beliefs were now radically different from their fundamentalists ones. And though they were polite, many were cold, using the family technique of ignoring you till you fall off the face of the earth to inform me of their disgust at my latest behavior, becoming a spiritualist. But even though I understood their position and tried to have compassion, my old abandonment wound bled anew as my own inner child wept with the pain of estrangement and rejection.

In keeping with the 3rd Key of Compassion, the Soul/Ego/Self Partnership, my ego, my soul, and myself held many meetings. My Soul continued to encourage us to see our family members as souls playing roles. Each time I did this, I was able to release them from blame and love them again. The result was that eventually that person’s energy towards me mysteriously shifted to one of more acceptance. In many cases they came up to me and engaged me in conversation, thus healing the wound of rejection.

As I explain in Bridge of Reunion, I had been at Mike’s house for two days when the former extremely polite, yet distant attitude of my family began to change. And it wasn’t anything that they did; it was what I did that made it happen. I chose stop being an angry victim and use the Keys that I had been given to build a bridge of reunion, and acceptance, and then extend my hand to them. Through all the processing of old conflicts that I had done on the drive over, I had reached the point where I now had to make a choice. Now that I had released a lot of the old anger and pain, I once again felt the pull to re-join my family, to be a part of it regardless of how dysfunctional and screwed up it was. These were my kinfolk, my link to the past, my flesh and blood, and no matter how much I disagreed with them, I still loved them. So I had a choice. I could either stay an angry victim and focus of their rejection of me, or I could use the tools that I had been given to see beyond the 3D perspective, and release them and myself from this painful separation. I decided on the latter.

As I held out my hand to their inner child, and through my actions said, Thank you for being willing to play these roles with me. I know now how painful it was for you to play your role in this lesson, and I am grateful for the love you have for me; the love that made you decide to assist me in taking back my power. Though it wasn’t verbal, through their actions they in turn held out their hand to me and thanked me validating their role, their pain and most of all, for loving them again.

The family reunion of 1997 turned out to be the most healing and happy of family gatherings we have ever known. It will go down in our family history as the time we came together again and healed the wounds and released the blame of many past events. And though there is still much to be healed, cleared, and released, we at least have a foundation, a bridge over which we can reach each other to venture yet again into the dark and murky memories of the past to gain release and find compassion.

I know that as long as I use the Keys of Compassion, I can look forward to having more happy family gatherings whenever I choose, and I won’t have to leave this lifetime carrying the unresolved issues of my family with me.

I know that you may feel, as I once did that it is impossible to accomplish reunion with your family, and that it is highly unlikely that they will ever see the light. But if you are willing to take the chance, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Here’s how you can do it:

Step 1

See them as I saw mine, as the little wounded children that they are.

Step 2

One by one, ask your soul to show you the lessons involved in each conflict with your family members. (It is best to do this work before you go to your family gathering, but also use it during the gathering when a new conflict arises or an old one is triggered.) Your soul has every reason to want to show you what the lesson is. The way I find out the lesson is by asking my soul to show it to me in 24 hours or less, and in a way that I can’t possibly misinterpret. I also add a request for her to continue to show it to me in as many ways as possible until I do get it if I don’t get it or understand the signs she gives me in the first 24 hours. I have found that my soul always gives me the answer and continues to give it to me until I get it. In most cases the answer was immediate, but my interpretation and understanding was not.

Step 3

Once you see and understand the lesson, you can move onto looking for the aspect of yourself that they are reflecting back to you. In regards to the sexual abuse at the hands of two of my five brothers, I came to see that the lesson was about not having personal boundaries and therefore I used my sexuality to get the acceptance and love I yearned for.

My brothers were strangely either hostile or indifferent towards me when we were growing up; thus, I kind of grew up alone. Though I understand that it was how we all agreed on a soul level that it would be, I didn’t understand it back then. So when they approached me for such an intimate relationship I agreed and took upon myself the secret and the shame. They reflected back to me the lesson of improper use of sexual power to stave off the pain of abandonment. Because we wound up with a gulf of shame, anger and blame that lasted decades, in the end, we had to experience the thing we and our inner children feared most; abandonment.

Step 4

Now that you see the lesson and the aspect of yourself that they have mirrored to you, the gratitude will come easily. As you understand that they have been in pain just like you, and as a soul that loves you, they willingly took on that pain, you are able to see the gift they have given: a lesson learned. Release from blame, for yourself and them, flows through your body and the anger and shame transmutes into compassion in your heart.

Anger is replaced with love; shame, guilt and blame with gratitude. Your energy field fills with the beautiful pink lavender and magenta colors of compassion and unconditional love.

Step 5

Now that you have released them, their higher self will get the message and send it on to them through intuition. Then their energy field will change too, though on a conscious level they may not know why. Now you are both on the road to a healing and reunion. If and when they approach you for reconciliation and they bring up the subject of the issue between you, remember to focus on the gift they gave and your gratitude. Speak of these things to them and more often than not, they will openly acknowledge their part in the lesson, validate your pain and release you from pain, too. If they do, then you and your estranged loved one can now meet and embrace on the bridge of acceptance and love that you have created.

Though reconciliation and reunion doesn’t happen every time, it happens most of the time when you use these steps. And for me sometimes is better than none. For those with whom no reconciliation is possible in the present, I have found that in many cases, the timing was not right and that they will come around later.

So with this holiday season comes a special blessing: the blessing of family and reunion. You can partake of this blessing, and revel in the kind of warmth and belonging that only family can bring. The gulf can be bridged, the family tear mended if you are willing to seek compassion and be the role model, the beacon of Light that you contracted to be.

Warmest Wishes and Happy Holidays,

Jelaila Starr

Written December 11, 1999

Readers Comments

“DIVINE BLESSINGS be yours, Special Sister of Light. How you have grown in these last couple of years! You are Truly “walking your talk and talking your walk!” Thank You, for ALL the work you have done and the Bright Light of Truth that shines forth from you to all of us. I am humbled to few words, because of their insufficiency, in response to the GIFT of your message regarding “bridging” with family. It is truly IN-SPIR(IT)ED and IN -LIGHT-ENED. My LOVE and RESPECT for you is INFINITE. I AM Embracing. You in Light and Love.” Adam

“I just read your article on holiday reunion. It was so beautifully put and I thank you for it. I don’t think there is anyone out there that can’t relate to it. This is a good time to tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you are doing for us lightworkers struggling to stay afloat. I enjoy your articles. On a personal note. I am slowly getting the understanding and belief of the Nibiruan Council. I was resistant in the beginning, but it has made such good sense, I must give in. So here I sit engulfed in my emotions over this new marriage, allowing it to stunt my growth. I keep asking for assistance, guidance and direction to do the work I came here to do. It has been so nice to know you. May you have a happy holiday and a joyful Millennium. Best wishes with love & light.” Rose B.