Being abandoned in a love relationship is not an easy thing to heal. Many times the pain lasts for years. The more we love the more we hurt. For those who for whatever reason are unable to heal from a terrible love loss in one life will find themselves working on it in the next. If in the next life, the loss is not healed, it is carried over into the next … and the next … until a pattern of loving and losing develops. This was the case with Jane, a sweet, soft spoken lady who came to me for counseling this past week.
Jane’s first two questions were about the 2 men in her life and if the relationships were really over. In both instances the relationship had become unstable, meaning that the men would be with her for a while and then leave. It’s a revolving door type of relationship. With both, Jane felt abandoned each time they left and fell into deep depression. It was crazy making and though she wanted to, she just couldn’t end either one. Why was this happening, why had it happened with her previous relationships, and what did she need to do stop the madness?
Contracts and Mirrors
In order to find the answers we had to view the situation from the higher perspective of the soul. As I understand it, the soul will chose to work to heal unresolved issues by placing the contracts for them on the Life Blueprint for the upcoming life. If the issue is of a more intimate nature, the contract will include agreements with the souls who will play the roles of primary caregivers, i.e., the parents in most cases. The reason for this is we need someone to show us how we parent, or care/love ourselves. The two most powerful mirrors for that relationship are our primary male/female caregivers or again, in most cases, our parents. Our mother shows us how we nurture ourselves and our father shows us how we protect and provide for ourselves.
Back to our love relationships. Based on the higher perspective, the only relationship we know how have is the one that we have with ourselves. So, when it comes to relationships with others, we respond based on our relationship pattern. Going further, we draw in people to partner with who perfectly reflect our pattern as well. (I can already hear some of you saying I’m crazy, but hear me out.)
The soul in its efforts to grow does not waste a minute of an incarnation. This means that each person we draw into our lives is a mirror for us in some way. Our task is to discover what that mirror is showing us about ourselves and learn. With this in mind, our intimate relationships show us the areas in which we are most empowered and disempowered. Why, because our hearts are the most vulnerable in love/sex relationships. Therefore the fear of abandonment is the greatest. The more we open up and reveal the tender parts of ourselves, the more pain we will feel if we are rejected.
The Abandonment Wound
Each time we are abandoned, the loss creates a wound. Many report that an abandonment wound is the most painful kind of emotional wound. It feels much like a gnawing, aching hole in our soul. It’s emptiness, much like a black hole, that nothing seems to fill.
When the wound is really painful, we can feel as though we want to die, and that we have nothing to give. If the loss is not fully grieved, the wound cannot close. If there is no healing in one lifetime, the wound is carried into the next.
With each wounding in the subsequent lifetime, the black hole grows. It is my experience that people who experience depression at an early age came in with a large abandonment wound. Our exploration revealed that Jane had come into this lifetime with a significant abandonment wound. That wounding was reflected back to her through the relationships with her parents (bi-polar father and depressed mother) and with her emotionally wounded partners.
The Black Hole Syndrome
When one partner in a relationship has chronic depression caused by having a black hole level abandonment wound, that person is unwittingly pulling loads of life-force from the other. As I explained to Jane, what was happening in her relationships is that when she met a man she would plug into his power chakra and begin draining his energy in order to try and fill the emptiness caused by her abandonment wound. But after a while the drain would become too much. When the draining reached a critical level, her partner would become agitated with her and conflict would ensue. The conflict would escalate to the point that her partner would feel the only solution was to leave.
What is really going on is that her partner needed to get away from her in order to recharge his batteries, so to speak. And once he had recharged, he would contact her and get back together. All would be well for a while until the energy drain again became too great. Hence, the revolving door. So it wasn’t that her partners didn’t care, they simply couldn’t withstand having their energy drained. And the depth of their love was evident by the number to times they returned.
Now that Jane understood that she was actually cocreating the abandonment, she felt some of her power returning. Moreover, taking responsibility allowed her to let go of the pain caused by feeling like a victim. Jane realized that instead of being the victim, she had been the perpetrator of her abandonment. What a discovery!
Ending the Revolving Door Pattern
Jane’s guide suggested that she ask for experiences that will allow her to get in touch with the unresolved pain. Once that pain surfaced, allow herself to feel it; go through the grief process.
In closing, we all experience painful losses in our lives. If the loss is fully grieved we will heal and move on. When we don’t fully grieve the pain accumulates as a black hole in our soul. Revolving door relationships are the sign that we have a lot of ungrieved losses so great that we pull energy from our partners, causing them to eventually abandon us. Yet, as Jane discovered, we can end the cycle when we realize that what we that we are the ones who started it.