It’s 2am and once again I find myself alone struggling with intense emotional pain … the shame, the guilt, the remorse over choices I have made as a mother. I think back, the years disappearing as I peer through the mists of time to the moment in the hospital when my 5-day old son was taken from my arms for the last time. At barely 17 years old, I’ve given birth to a beautiful baby boy of mixed race. And I have made the choice to give him up for adoption. My heart breaks as I kiss his tiny forehead for the last time, and inhale the sweet smell of his skin forever burning that moment into my memory.
I move forward 2 years to the next choice. I am walking out of the abortion clinic feeling my 19-week-old foetus writhing in the last moments of its brief life in my womb. I get into my car struggling to hold back the tears. I am filled with guilt and shame over my choice to abort this child, but at the same time relief that the pregnancy has ended. I push my feelings aside and sit there in my car for a minute focusing my thoughts on how I will get to the emergency room when I go into labor without my parents finding out. At 19 weeks I will have to go into labor and give birth. I wonder for the millionth time how I got myself into this situation.
Another memory surfaces, demanding my attention—I’m 44 and in the hospital again, this time for an emergency hysterectomy. I lay alone in my room, aware of the muffled sounds from nurses and patients floating through my door. Drugged on Percodan, I’m grateful for the brief respite from the physical pain … and the pain that comes from deep sorrow, feelings of loss and failure, all that threaten to overwhelm me. I know I must eventually face the sorrow of losing my ovaries and uterus due to fibroid tumors, the loss of the fullness of my womanhood, but I can’t do it, at least not right now.
Fast forward to now … I think about my 15-year-old daughter and how she has been cutting herself wanting to commit suicide to get out of a life she finds unbearable…a life I helped to create when I gave up residential custody of her to her father. What used to be a close and wonderful relationship is almost non-existent now. God, it hurts so much!
As I lay there in the dark, silent tears slide down my face…tears of a mother consumed by the shame and guilt of motherhood choices—wounds that never seem to heal. How can I even call myself a mother, I wonder? I have broken the rule of motherhood, the rule that countless generations of mothers before me have lived by—the one that states that I should never give up my child no matter what. I think of all the pain that has come to pass from breaking it, not only for myself but also for those closest to me. I feel I have failed so miserably as a mother. Eventually the fatigue of a heavy heart overcomes me and I fall back asleep but not before berating myself for what seems like the millionth time.
It’s now morning. I sit here writing this article after a long talk with my husband Jonathan. I’ve poured out my pain over the previous night to him desperately seeking understanding. He helps me to realize that though I have cleared the guilt from my choices, I have not cleared the shame and that is why I had another one of what I call the “nights in hell.” I wonder how many other women have had nights, or perhaps days, like the one I described? How many women carry the guilt and shame of an abortion? How many young girls are plagued by the shame they experienced as a pregnant teen and the painful, heart breaking memory of the child they gave up? I wonder how many mothers go to bed each night feeling like a failure because they gave up the day-to-day care of their children? As we talk it becomes clear that I must write about the wounds that 3D motherhood beliefs create so that other women can heal them as I have started to do. I am so grateful to have a man who can listen to me share my painful memories without judging them or trying to fix it—someone who can help me explore them and get to the bottom what is still unhealed.
So why is it such a struggle to release ourselves from this type of shame and guilt? Why do we find it so hard to forgive ourselves? Is it perhaps because we live in a society that promotes a standard for mothers, a set of distorted beliefs that if we were to live up to them we would have to sacrifice much of ourselves to do so? And not only do they promote this distorted standard, they attach the consequences of guilt and shame to those brave women who dare to step beyond the limits. No wonder we struggle! There is so little support and education available for more functional and balanced beliefs. I feel that our beliefs about motherhood, what it should and shouldn’t be have greatly attributed to the level of female problems we experience today. We are at that point in our ascension when we can no longer stuff these emotions; we must bring them out and clear them otherwise we face the consequences of living these beliefs—a loss of sexuality, or the ability to have children, and the ability to mother with joy … all three our inherent rights as women.
I began the process of healing my motherhood wounds when I was fortunate enough to learn of what I call the Higher Perspective. Through this level of wisdom, I’ve begun the process of setting myself free from the guilt and shame I’ve carried. At the beginning of this article I shared painful, heart wrenching pieces of my memories in the hopes that if you had similar experiences, they would help you to get in touch with the pain of those memories and begin to heal them. Now, with the help of the Higher Perspective, along with an example of how to apply it you have the knowledge to do so. To begin you will need a basic understanding of the Higher Perspective.
The Higher Perspective
The Higher Perspective is the level of consciousness or understanding where Dark and Light in all their forms cease to exist as polarities, one better or worse than the other. At this level, they are viewed simply as expressions of All That Is manifesting in various forms from the hands of Creator gods and goddesses—us. When one reaches the level of the Higher Perspective, one has achieved total acceptance of All That Is, also known as compassion.
The Higher Perspective teaches us that there are many names for God and many choices of gender depending on your spiritual orientation. For the sake of this article we will call this energy Divine Creator who for convenience in writing I will make female in gender. It is often said that Divine Creator chose to fragment herself thus giving birth to new souls in order to experience more of who she is. Through the creations created by her new little creator gods and goddesses, she would learn more about herself, just like a mother learns more about herself through the experiences of her child. We are soul fragments of Divine Creator and therefore we exist to create.
The main purpose of our creations is to learn more of who we are as souls and thus, enable Divine Creator to learn more about herself through us. We find that the best way to accomplish this is to play games (games in this case refers to games for soul growth and are of the highest order.) They allow us to fully experience what whatever we as creator gods/goddesses can create. The goal of our games is always soul growth. In this universe the Game is Polarity Integration. It is the game chosen by Divine Creator to be played out in her universe. So, our goal is always to obtain growth through creating and playing games. In the beginning our games are pretty simple, not complex roles to get stuck in but as we mature as souls we create ever more sophisticated games complete with very complex and multifaceted roles. That is where are right now. Earth and its belief systems is a game … of the highest order and only those souls who have mastered all the other games in the universe come here to play. You could liken it to the professional golf tournament called the “Masters” where the golf course upon which the tournament is played is one of the most beautiful in the world but also the most complex and difficult. Only a master could possibly win at this level of the game.
The roles we play are how we learn about ourselves. Each role that we create has 2 sides to it, a Light side and a Dark side. Through playing out both sides of a role, we learn unconditional acceptance of the aspect of Light and Dark involved in that role. We learn where we are still unable to achieve that acceptance and until we do, we continue to create games with those roles and play them out from incarnation to incarnation.
Since it’s hard to play a game without other players, we enlist the help of other souls in our games; the service to others concept comes into play here (no pun intended.) When other souls play roles for us, they enable us to see the parts of ourselves that we want to bring into balance and learn how to use constructively. Light and Dark are strong energies that require maturity and wisdom to use constructively. And the Dark polarity is an especially challenging energy that can easily overwhelm and control us until we learn how to manage it.
As we play these games for soul evolution, we form partnerships with certain souls. We agree to exchange places with our partners playing out the opposite end of each role so that each partner can experience all aspects of what it is like to be in a certain situation. Such is the manner in the roles of abortions, adoptions, and custody changes.
Continuing on, we obtain soul growth through service to self and to others. The way we serve is through playing roles in each other’s games. Through these roles we show others the aspects of themselves that they cannot see so, in essence, we act as mirrors for them.
Before we agree to play roles in another soul’s game, we enter into a contract with him/her. In this contract we agree to play the role exactly as scripted by the soul for whom we are playing the role. And, we agree to continue to play the role exactly as scripted until the person for whom were are playing it, sees the mirror in his or herself. Once this is accomplished, we can be released from the role. At this level there is no place for sin and thus, forgiveness. Sin implies that someone did something wrong. The Higher Perspective informs us that we are all souls playing roles in order to assist each other in obtaining soul growth, and thus, providing Divine Creator with the opportunities to learn more about who she is in keeping with the purpose for which we were created.
So, here we are back at the beginning … the foundation is laid; now let’s move on and begin healing our motherhood wounds.
Healing the wounds of abortion, adoption and custody changes
Our society teaches us that motherhood is a gift and one that we should never forsake no matter what sacrifices we must make. This means that if we choose to forsake our child, regardless of the reason, we will forever carry the burden of guilt and shame that forsaking that gift will surely bring. From the Higher Perspective, it is seen a bit differently. We’ll explore each type of situation and its multidimensional perspective. [Multidimensional means more than one-dimensional; multiple dimensions. In this regard, it means that there is more than one level of consciousness or understanding and a more compassionate, hence, balanced set of beliefs that can apply.]. By understanding and embracing the Higher Perspective, we can finally release ourselves from the guilt and shame of our motherhood choices and prevent the medical problems that become their legacy.
The Higher Perspective on abortion
The Higher Perspective teaches us that when conception occurs, it is because a incoming soul has decided to begin the process of creating a physical body in which to be born. Notice that I said, begin the process. In the case of an abortion, the incoming soul does not intend to enter the Earth plane; he/she only intends to begin the process. Why? In order to fulfill a contract with the soul that would be his/her mother if the conception were to end with the birth of his/her physical form. Not all incoming souls intend to be born. As I explained earlier, many times the contract between the child and the mother involves exchanging roles so that each can experience the feelings associated with either abandonment for the incoming soul or being for self for the mother. Abortion contracts are not about karma or paybacks, they are about providing the highest form of service and expression of love for another soul. Remember that what others do to us is a reflection of what we do to our inner children. Abortion contracts teach the incoming soul the lesson of what happens when we abandon our inner child because his/her mother is abandoning him or her. Abortion contracts teach the mother the value of being for self and setting boundaries with intimate partners so that giving up a part of self is no longer required. They also give the mother the opportunity to experience being truly for herself through her decision to say no to the pregnancy … and being for self is self-love in action … a concept that has been very distorted in our world.
When I conceived at 19, I was no more prepared to have a child than I was at the age of 10. And furthermore, the boy with whom I conceived was no longer in my life. After having a child at 17 and really stressing the relationship with my parents I was not willing to risk being thrown out on the streets by going through with the pregnancy. Regardless of whether they would have supported me or not, I knew that I could not go through with that pregnancy. Unlike my pregnancy at age 17, every fiber of my being screamed, “No!” at the thought of giving birth to this child. Back then I could not have explained the difference but now I can. The contract with this child involved having an abortion. She did not intend to be born … at least not at that time. This was a gift from a soul that I have known for many lifetimes … a gift of learning to take care of me…and I took it. I found this out by learning of the higher perspective and then contacting the soul to inquires as to the nature of our contract. The answer released me from the guilt of aborting that pregnancy. Now I must release myself from the shame and once I do, this dear soul friend will finally be released from the contract and her service completed.
The shame can only be released once we understand the belief that forms its foundation; that of “it should be different.” Shame is the feeling of worthlessness or uselessness that comes from not being perfect. If we are perfect then we don’t make mistakes, we don’t do things wrong. Only those who are perfect have the right to exist. Only those who are perfect have worth and are useful. In my case, this translates into I should have acted differently. I should not have gotten pregnant with that boy. I should have said no to sex and because I didn’t I am imperfect and therefore useless as a soul and worthless as a human being. But the Higher Perspective teaches us that everything has a value and everything is perfect as it is. So, getting pregnant was perfect because I was able to fulfill a contract with another soul, to help her grow and to help myself grow. Getting pregnant was valuable because of the experience and spiritual growth that would come from healing the wound. Right now I get that intellectually. In time I will get it emotionally and when I do, I will finally heal this wound. And to get it emotionally, I only need to ask my guides to assist me by bringing me the experiences necessary for this to take place … and they will, they always do.
The Higher Perspective on adoption
Adoption contracts are to me, the most heart wrenching. I find it difficult to understand why a soul would want to be born to one mother only to be given up and raised by another. Once again, it is not the case of karma or paybacks, it is simply part of the child’s requirements for soul evolution. In many of these cases, it is because he/she needs to experience externally what it feels like to be abandoned by the mother as a reflection of how he/she has failed to nurture and protect his/her Inner Child in past incarnations. In this case, it is the mother who gives the gift by being willing to experience the pain of giving up her child and the heartbreak that comes with it. At the age of 17, though I knew I could not give my son the life that he deserved, it did not in any way negate the pain of losing him.
For years afterward, I carried the guilt of feeling I had abandoned him. It wasn’t until I learned of the Higher Perspective and got in touch with his Higher Self that I learned that there was no purpose for my guilt. He had intended to be raised by his adopted parents. Being born through me enabled him to acquire the genes he needed to fulfill his contract. My birthing him enabled me to experience taking care of him by standing up to my parents and demanding that he be placed with a family of mixed race in the North before I’d sign the adoption papers. I grew from that experience. I learned of the power I had if I’d only use it. And Joshua got placed in the family for which he was intended. Everything was perfect as it was.
The Higher Perspective on custody changes
In our society there is an unspoken rule that states that once you have a child you should never give that child up once you have decided to raise him/her. This is especially true in the case of divorce. Statistics show that most children are raised in the home of their mothers after a divorce. And because of this there is a negative stigma attached to those women who choose to give up custody once having been given it. I struggled for a long time with my decision to give up residential custody of my 7-year-old daughter to her father before doing it. Just the idea of it filled me with a great sense of failure, shame and worthlessness. With the understanding of the Higher Perspective, I was able to see this in a much more compassionate and loving viewpoint. I learned that a change in custody most often involves a soul contract between the mother and the child to give the child to the other parent for training that the mother cannot give (of course, this applies to fathers too.) As explained earlier, souls agree to play roles for other souls that require them to act as perfect mirrors. In other words the role being played by one soul is acted out in such a way as to be a perfect mirror for the soul on the receiving end so that he or she can identify that behavior and belief within him/herself and take the appropriate steps to clear and balance it.
At the time that I gave up residential custody of my daughter Danielle, there were three major deciding factors.
- I intuitively knew that it was the right thing to do though it made no sense in 3D.
- I intuitively knew that she needed to live with her father so that he could teach her the things that she could not learn from me … again making no sense at the time.
- I desperately needed some time off from being the primary caregiver. But even with this knowing I still felt I was abandoning her and so I carried the guilt and shame for years. Through the Higher Perspective I was able to confirm the rightness in my decision and came to realize that it was perfect and in the highest good for all concerned. And even now that I know that she has been cutting herself (her way of dealing with the shame of her choice not to be for herself, not to stand up and speak her truth and stay in her integrity), I once again acknowledge the rightness of my decision. She will never learn to be strong without someone with whom she must struggle to claim her power … someone who will continue to hold her power until she learns to value it, reclaim it and maintain it. And that must be her perfect mirror. I could not be that mirror but I could be a mirror to her for standing in her power, being for herself, and speaking her truth regardless of the consequences … because I did it.
The legacy of motherhood wounds
I have little or no sex life at present even though I am attracted to my husband because, I no longer feel like a real woman. All that is left of my sexuality, my womanhood is a great sense of loss, of failure, created by my inability to hold and use my feminine power correctly. What a price to pay for believing in the rule that I have grown up with, that just about every woman in our society has grown up with. When we carry the guilt and shame, those energies, the 2 lowest frequency energies we can carry, fester in our emotional bodies and thus are reflected in our physical bodies. After so many years, they will eventually manifest as physical disease. The most common forms of manifestation are fibroid tumors, uterine and ovarian cancer. The result of too much selflessness is breast cancer … caused by nurturing others at the expense of self. But that’s just the physical manifestations; these energies can also block us energetically and thus psychologically. The most common place that they block us is in our first and second chakras, the chakras we use for grounding, manifesting, creating and sexual desire.
I have experienced blocks in all those areas. Though I can manifest, I have a hard time manifesting things just as I envisioned them. I have a hard time driving a car now because I cannot stay grounded very well. And my sexual desire is alarmingly absent … and I used to be such a sensual woman! I know that clearing the guilt and shame will bring these things back into balance. I have already experienced that happening from the clearing of the guilt … now I just have to clear the shame. To do that I must know in my heart that the motherhood events of my life were played out exactly the way they should have been. I must know that the souls with whom I had the contracts to play these roles were written for me by these very souls who would have been or are now my children, and were played out exactly as scripted. And, as a result, we all now have the opportunity to achieve the highest level of growth. Somehow just writing those last few words gave me a sense of release in my first and second chakras. Amazing how fast things shift when you apply the Higher Perspective!
So here we are, at the end of this article and if feels like I have lived another chapter in my life through its writing. I feel I am better, more healed and complete because of it. I choose to embrace my right to be for me as a woman and a mother, to honor the contract of an incoming soul regardless of what it entails instead of making choices to appease a society standard that I know will only lead to more pain. The pain of giving up my children whether through abortion, adoption or a custody change will always remain, but I no longer have to carry the guilt and shame, the part for which I have paid a physical price. I can now look back upon these memories and appreciate the roles I’ve played with those souls who would have been my children and the ones who are my children now. I can feel gratitude for the gifts they gave me through our experiences together. I can feel good about my choices.
In closing, I’ve written this article in the hopes that perhaps just one woman or young girl who reads it might be relieved of or saved from the guilt and shame I have carried, and that millions of women continue to carry, in silent agony each day of our lives. As we have seen, the Higher Perspective gives us a much more balanced view of motherhood, and from its wisdom we can obtain the knowledge that once applied, will heal the wounds we have suffered. The choice is ours. We owe it to ourselves and to our daughters. If we will choose to embrace a higher, more compassionate and balanced way of mothering, we can begin to break the pattern of shame and guilt for our daughters and the generations of women to come.
Written July 22, 2003
For more information on the Higher Perspective, read the Keys of Compassion Overview available in 7 individual booklets.
“Your article “Healing the Wounds of Motherhood” is a very emotional one for me. As a 57 year old adoptee who has spent much of her adult life seeking answers and finding out truly who I am ,you have helped me to understand the pain and shame felt by the birth mothers. In Peace.” Heidi
“Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings! I gave up custody of my daughter, and though she’s now 24 and a wonderful human being, I still beat up myself over the choices I made. We’ve talked long and hard about the whole thing, and my daughter has forgiven me, and I’m working on forgiving myself. I too, believe we are here to learn lessons and to teach others, and every day I remind myself that whatever happens is for the Greater Good . It has helped me through many situations that in the past I would have run away from or otherwise refused to deal with. I am now facing the challenge of raising an almost 13 year old son myself. His father committed suicide 2 years ago, and my son recently spent some time in a mental health facility, facing issues regarding his father’s death, among other things. I feel that Goddess has chosen me for this challenge, and every day I do my best to raise this child lovingly. Again, thank you for your words of encouragement. They mean more than I can possibly express. Bright Blessings.” Tammy