In last week’s message, I wrote about how I came to the realization that my sudden onset of anxiety, depression and weight gain were due to having my “Mom issue” triggered by my roommate Mary. (See Healing the Mom Thing, Part 1) In order to heal this old pain I had to be able to see why Mary’s behavior had upset me so much. What she was reflecting, or mirroring, back to me, and why is it occurring at this time? It has taken me an additional week to figure out those parts, but now I have it. Here is what I have learned along with how it came about.
Visit from the Other Side
It’s been 5 years since my dad passed. Thanks to the healing gift of time, the gray cloud of grief has dissolved. I can sense Dad around more easily now and our talks are much clearer. I don’t hear from Dad every day, in fact, it has been several months since his last visit. Last Sunday he made contact.
Taking an afternoon break, I sat in his favorite chair looking out at the fall leaves in the backyard. The house was quiet; the dogs lay snoozing in their bed nearby. Suddenly thoughts of Dad came to mind and I felt a presence; his presence. Acknowledging the connection, I began talking to him out loud, sharing my gratitude for his willingness to watch over me. As I spoke, memories from childhood flitted across my inner screen. It was as if Dad was trying to show me something, remind me of something. I recalled moments when I rejected his embrace because my mother was standing in the room. The pain of that memory hit me like a ton of bricks.
The pain was quickly followed by a realization—how much it had hurt him as well. I realized for the first time just how much he sacrificed in order to raise me. Because of the conflicts with my mom, Dad was deprived of a close relationship with his only daughter. Yet, he never said a word in protest, or a word against my mother; he bore the pain in silence. The tears began to flow as I realized how much Dad have loved me, fed me, clothed me, and protected me in spite of how badly I had treated him. 🙁
It was a healing moment as I poured out my shame, apologizing to my father. It was shame buried so deep inside, covered by the pain of living all those years of desperately needing him but having to love without him. As I sat there with tears streaming down my face, I felt the warmth of his love envelope me and felt him saying, “It’s okay, Joscelyn. I understood.”
Next came thoughts of my Mom; how she must have felt. Suddenly the words, “No way out” appeared … another message from Dad. I instantly understood. Mom, because of the social conditioning of her generation (girls stay home and make babies) believed it was wrong to leave her husband. And even is she managed to get past the stigma of doing so, she didn’t believe her secretarial skills could land her a job that would enable her to support 6 growing children. So yes, she could get out but she would not be able to manifest enough to survive, much less thrive.
Mom was trapped, trapped in a marriage with a man she loved, but could not live with due to his unpredictable angry outbursts and temper tantrums. The stress they caused was physically, emotionally and mentally draining her. Her rage must have been extreme, but again, how could she vent it and not be seen as the bad one? Let her daughter do it.
I finally understood … and more importantly, I felt compassion. Somewhere along the way, in her many incarnations, the soul that is my mother lost total belief in her manifesting powers. Without the belief and faith in her ability to manifest and thrive, even under the most extreme conditions, Mom could not move herself out of her situation. Again, the tears flowed …
Next thought–I and my mother have the same issue: we both stopped believing in our ability to fully manifest for ourselves.
Now it all made sense. I understood why Mary had appeared in my life. I drew her so that she could be a mirror for me. Her role was to treat me the same way that my mother had treated me thus triggering the pain I held about my mother. In order to do this, Mary had to have some of the same pain. (Mary and my mom had similar upbringings.) The trigger would lead me inward looking for mirroring behaviors and beliefs. If successful, I would find those beliefs and behaviors and change them. The belief that Mary was mirroring back to me was that though I could manifest enough to survive, I needed a man to manifest at the level that would allow me to thrive.
The behavior that Mary and my mother mirrored back to me was how I drew men that had also bought into the belief that they were limited in their manifesting abilities. Going further, when those limitations manifested, they reacted with fear, rage and shame. Looking back I realize that most of my father’s raging, as well as that of my former partners, was triggered by money issues. Wow! What a revelation!
Now that I had figured out the lesson, I wanted to understand the timing of it. It is my belief that I am about to experience a great financial blessing. If this is the case, that old dysfunctional belief could very well cause me to lose it all. In order to prevent such an occurrence, I needed to change the dysfunctional belief that could cause it. But to do so, I would have to clear the pain that went with that belief. So, I drew in Mary.
When big lessons are learned, a confirmation usually follows. About an hour after my talk with my dad, I received a call from a lady looking for a room to rent. There was something about her voice that made me feel I had known her before. We agreed to meet that afternoon.
It was instant soul recognition. In fact, I felt I was looking at another version of me. In fact clearing her “Mom issue” was why she was looking for a room. That, along with being the same age, marital status and interest in all things spiritual would have been enough confirmation, but there was one more in store that would eliminate any doubt: Kate has 4 brothers. Their names (in birth order) are Mike, Pat, Tim and Kevin. I have 5 brothers. Their names (in birth order) are Mike Pat, Tim, Keith and Kevin.
The one she doesn’t have (Keith) is the one I no longer have. And just to make sure that no doubt remained Keith’s decision to take his life was triggered mainly by a major financial loss.
In closing, when people arrive in our lives and wreak havoc, it is because they are playing a role to help us learn something about ourselves. If we can step out of our feelings of victimhood long enough to realize this, and then look for the reason, we will gain a great gift.
Mary was a tornado in my life, leaving a path of destruction in her wake. But once I realized that not only did I make a soul contract with her to do this, even scripting the role she would play, I was able to claim the gift. Now I can rebuild my financial foundation anew, and this time, without the limiting manifestation belief that had crippled me for lifetimes.