Facing the Fear of Commitment

For those on the spiritual path who have made the decision to ascend along with Mother Earth to the 5th dimension, they at some point come to understand what ascension entails. They realize that it means clearing their emotional blocks and taking the denser energies contained in each and transmuting those energies into compassion. Compassion, as science has recently discovered, is the one thing that changes our DNA. In essence, it recodes the DNA.

To clear our emotional blocks we must integrate the fears that create them. In this article I explain how I used the tools (The Multidimensional Keys of Compassion) given to me by my guides in the Nibiruan Council to begin clearing the many layers of my emotional block around commitment so that I could open my heart to be in a relationship. I hope it helps you to do the same … Jelaila

On a warm and breezy Las Vegas afternoon in January 1998, my lifemate, Jonathan and I exchanged vows. In the silence of a lovely little chapel among our dearest friends, we promised to love, honor, and cherish each other ’till death do us part. We agreed to be committed in body, mind and soul to this union we were creating on that very special day. As I walked from the chapel on the arm of my handsome mate, I never suspected the fears I would have to face in the months to come in order to keep that commitment.

Six months later in June, we decided that a move to Los Angeles (Jonathan’s hometown) was the next step on our spiritual path. With great trepidation and sadness, I sold my furniture, packed my crystals, kissed my young child goodbye and turned my face towards an unknown future. As long as I could remember, Los Angeles had represented fear of untold proportions to me. Why, I cannot say. Never had I wished to visit it much less live there, yet here I was, on the 4th of July weekend, my beloved cat Biijai snoozing in the back window of the car, and my new husband by my side, driving the 1700 miles to sunny L.A.

I was emotionally okay about this move until we hit the city limits and I saw the sign saying “Entering Los Angeles City Limits.” Then like a bizarre scene from a Sci-fi movie it happened. A cloud of negative energy descended on me totally engulfing me in its terrifying mists. All of a sudden I felt I couldn’t breathe. I quickly rolled down the window, gasping for breath. Inside I struggled frantically feeling like an animal caged against its will. The emotional pain threatened to consume me.

As I looked over at Jonathan, I saw a look of bliss and relief on his face. He was feeling just the opposite. He was finally home! How incredible, one of us was ecstatic with happiness and the other emotionally drowning as they entered another Dark Night of the Soul. I could barely contain myself from reaching across the seat and throttling him! Such was my welcome to Movie Town, USA.

Several days later the remainder of my belongings arrived by truck from Kansas City. My crystals, clothes and other personal effects arrived intact. There was only one minor catastrophe, and it was behind the beginning of what would become my wedding ring rash. I opened one of the small Tupperware bins that held my cosmetics and toiletries only to find that the jar of honey that I use for waxing had spilled all over the other contents. What a mess! I used a gum remover call Goof-Off to get it off. I remember thinking to myself, as I sat there on the floor outside the bathroom, that I should have taken off my wedding ring before starting the clean-up, but that thought went out of my mind as fast as it came in.

Two days later I awoke with an angry red rash under my wedding ring. The numerous little blisters were not only painful they also itched like hell. It formed a circle around the entire circumference off my finger. Immediately I attributed it to the cleaner that I had used, and silently berated myself for not taking off my ring before I started cleaning up the wax. I got up and put an anti-itch cream on it. This somewhat alarmed me because I had never experienced anything like it before.

I decided against taking off my ring because I felt the cream would clear it up, but it didn’t. A week later it was still there. I finally took my wedding ring off because the pain of the blisters had become more that I could take. As I stood by my bed and slipped the ring from my finger, tears welled in my eyes. I felt like such a failure. Deep down, I knew that this rash was not caused by the cleaner, instead it was caused my fear of commitment, my fear of being married.

After several days of denial I finally opened up and we talked about the rash. In tears of angry frustration I confessed that I was at a loss as what to do. I had tried having the ring professionally cleaned, I soaked it in alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, tried boiling it in hot water and nothing helped. As long as I tried to wear my ring, the rash remained. Only when I took it off and left it off for several days would the angry red blisters dry up, the skin flake off, and the swelling disappear.

The weeks turned into months and still I could not wear my wedding ring for more than a few hours without my finger breaking out in that damned rash. It was embarrassing to go out in public with my finger red and swollen and my wedding ring on my right hand. I felt like I had a sign over my head saying, Marital Failure, Can’t Commit. I was filled with remorse, guilt and shame.

Of course, other manifestations of this fear of commitment began to appear. For starters, the intimacy in our marriage disappeared. It was hard to be sexual when you are consumed with guilt because your partner knows that you are keeping some part of yourself closed off.

We both began to put on weight and get sick. Jonathan manifested lung congestion and a chronic cough and, as if this was not enough, his depression returned with a vengeance rendering incapable of doing anything for days at a time. I, on the other hand, manifested a left knee joint so swollen and painful that I could not walk on it for days and severe pain in my upper back between my shoulder blades accompanied with neck pain and stiffness. Sometimes my upper back and neck muscles would get so tight that they would spasm creating headaches that lasted 3 days and upon which Tylenol or Excedrin for Migraines had no effect.

In late August Jonathan had to face the fact that his company of 12 years was doomed. He had taken on two partners several months earlier because he wanted out. They had agreed to buy the company from him but before the deal was done, they managed to make some very bad business decisions. Jonathan faced financial ruin since he had not been paid yet and the company was therefore, still in his name. As if he needed any more help, this sent him spiraling down into a dark pit of depression where he stayed for months. Within a matter of weeks, I saw him deteriorate from a strong, powerful, financially successful man to a wiped out, depressed and hopeless mate. His life was in ruins and I was just there to remind him of the things he could no longer provide.

I started a personal crusade to save my husband, our marriage, and myself. I began “caretaking” Jonathan. Each time he would get depressed I would try to help him see the value in the loss of his company and our financial ruin so that he would lift himself out of it. I poured on the higher dimensional perspective, preached and pleaded, but the more I pushed, the more he resisted and retreated further into his cave. I felt I had all the answers and if he would just listen and do what I said, he, and we, would be okay. Talk about delusional! My guides must have been shaking their heads in amazement thinking that all their training had been for nothing. *sigh…*

After several weeks of no change, I began to believe that he wanted to stay a victim, drowning himself in self-pity. He didn’t want to pick up the pieces and move on. The more he resisted my attempts to caretake him, the more fearful and angry I became. I became very critical of him and everything that he did. With all my training in higher dimensional knowledge, I could not change him no matter how hard I tried and I finally had to admit defeat. Had self-righteousness been a train, it would have hit me head on. I believed his depression, feelings of failure, and self-hatred, weight gain, and sickness were beyond my ability to fix. I thought our marriage was over and, therefore, it was time for me to leave. I just could not see that he was reflecting me.

Once I gave up, the many nights that followed found me crying in total despair. I was really scared and the rash on my finger spread to the adjacent one. I was homesick for Kansas City, heartbroken at leaving my beloved child so far away, and feeling like a total failure at marriage. It was one of the lowest periods of my life. I stuffed myself with ice cream and potato chips.

Eventually I rallied because I am a survivor at heart. I did the one thing my training had taught me to do and that was ask my Soul for help and then stay open and willing to follow its guidance. I had been trained well in this over the last few years since beginning my work for the Nibiruan Council and I knew that when all else failed it was the one thing I could count on unequivocally. So I called out to my Soul and said, “Maebel Lee, what is this about? Why can’t I make this go away? I want out of this hell but I can’t see any way out! Please show me!”

My Soul immediately answered my request to understand by giving me a perfect reflection in the behavior of my husband. Unfortunately, I was too blind to see it. Thankfully, she didn’t give up. The physical symptoms continued through the months of September and October. Finally, in early November after much struggle and pain, I finally got it.

I had been invited by Standing Elk to speak the Star Knowledge Conference in Sedona, Arizona. The day we left for the conference, I put my wedding ring on my right hand. I planned to put it back on its proper finger just before my presentation on Saturday and keep it there until I left the conference for the evening. That way I would be able to hide the fact that there was a problem in my marriage. But something happened in the early hours of Saturday morning that would forever eliminate the need for switching fingers.

My Soul gave me a dream that put me in touch with the fears that were causing the rash. I dreamed of my parents and their marriage, finally understanding that my commitment fear and my ring rash stemmed from my fear of ending up like them. My parent’s marriage could be likened to the Civil War.

I was gaining weight and was very critical of myself for it. And I feared being rejected and criticized about it by Jonathan, as my mother had been by my father. My mother was a slender, beautiful woman when she married but within a matter of 5 years she was very overweight, sickly and bitter. Her marriage had become a prison and she felt that with 4 kids, there was no way out. I used to think to myself, “God don’t let me end up like my mother.” Now, wasn’t that exactly what I was doing?

My father couldn’t handle the sight of fat people, they made him physically ill, and here he was with a wife to whom he no longer was attracted, but could not leave without suffering a worse fate of overwhelming guilt. His answer was to withdraw into his books and work leaving my mother feeling abandoned, resentful and rejected. To me their marriage was a fate worse than death. No wonder I was 25 before I took my first plunge into the marriage pool.

As I thought about all this, I realized that the answer was to be found in changing my behavior and my perspective on this whole thing. If I could change how I viewed our symptoms, I would integrate the fear they represented thus releasing myself from this Dark Night of the Soul.

So I began to once again, use my training and starting with the rash, took each symptom through The Formula of Compassion. I found the lesson the rash was there to help me see. It was showing me that I was fearful of a commitment that big and that I had no agreements in place with my inner child or my partner to handle those fears. So I made the agreement with my inner child to accept the weight gain as her way of protecting our body until I could do it for us.

I saw the upper back pain as my teacher, teaching me that when I take on and carry the responsibility for someone else’s emotional state, that burden gets very heavy and after a while, very painful. I didn’t need to fix Jonathan’s pain.

The neck pain was teaching me how stubborn I was about letting go and allowing Jonathan to be in his depression and pain. I didn’t want to feel his pain so I tried to get him out of it. I wasn’t accepting him as he was, but instead I was trying to make him be the way I wanted him to be. Not very loving on my part.

And finally, there was the knee problem. Wow, what a teacher. I was showing me that I was really fearful of changing directions and creating a new way of being, a way that allowed others to be who they are and to be in their pain without me rescuing them from it. It was about learning to allow them to be in their lessons without trying to get them out of those lessons because I do not want to feel their pain.

Then there was Jonathan’s depression, now that was the one I feared the most. I found that the value of his depression was that it allowed him a way to numb the pain of his guilt and shame and to survive until he could take responsibility for his choices and find the value in them. The depression was a kind of morphine and helped him get through the weeks of hell that occurred after the collapse of his world.

Once I understood these things, no longer rejecting but instead valuing them, I felt tremendous appreciation for Jonathan and the role he had been playing for me. By becoming the epitome of everything I feared in a mate — angry, depressed, weak, overweight and sickly, he gave me the opportunity to experience my worst fears and integrate them. Now that I appreciated those symptoms in him and myself, I no longer feared them or feared being rejected because of them. They each had great value as teachers. And because these fears, manifesting as these symptoms, having been what my parents had experienced and never to this day resolved, they were the reason I feared commitment. But now that I valued them, I no longer had any fear of commitment. The very fear that had imprisoned me in my Dark Night of the Soul had set me free!

Silently, in my heart, I took Jonathan through the Formula of Compassion and then released him from the role. Afterwards, I talked to Jonathan telling him of my dream and my realization. I thanked him for loving me enough to endure the sickness, weight gain and self-condemnation he suffered in order for me to be able to accept that behavior and not fear it anymore. I felt the gratitude and appreciation swell in my heart.

My Dark Night of the Soul was over and what a powerful lesson on commitment it had been. Whew! But now I knew with a deep certainty that Jonathan loved me and that I could commit to our marriage. I put my wedding ring back on its proper finger and walked out into the sunshine of a beautiful Sedona morning.

It has been nearly two years since that Dark Night of the Soul and the rash has returned from time to time along with the other symptoms. When they first returned, I was pretty upset feeling that I had regressed and all my clearing and integration work had been in vain. But once again my guides came to my aid and explained to me for the umpteenth time that our fears are held in emotional blocks that resemble onions. With each experience, we integrate and peel another layer. So often we forget this.

Jonathan and I use our training in The Multidimensional Keys of Compassion to get through each lesson and in so doing increase our level of trust and commitment to each other. As of today, April 11, 2000, we only experience these symptoms once in a while, whenever a new layer comes up to be released. We have come to accept this and not be concerned by it because there’s no safer place for us to be then in our marriage. Amazing, isn’t it?

Summary: I feel that it may be helpful to outline the steps I took to integrate my fear of commitment. Here they are:

  1. Using the steps of The Formula of Compassion I asked my Soul to show me the lesson I was trying to learn. I asked her to show it to me in 24 hours or less and in a way that I could not possibly misinterpret. I also added an addendum asking that if I perchance missed her answer that she would keep giving it to me until I either got it or no longer wished to receive it. (My soul gave it to me immediately. I just couldn’t see it.)
  2. I stayed open to seeing the answer (see The Open Door Key) . I also looked for the connection between my physical symptoms and my lesson, i.e., fear. I used Louise Hay’s book, Heal Your Body to give me some clues. My Soul provided the rest.
  3. Using the second step of The Formula of Compassion I looked for other players in this lesson and eventually came to see that my husband was playing the role of my worst marital nightmare.
  4. I stayed open and willing to allow time to go by so that my inner child could see that she could survive this experience (see The Soul/Ego/Self Partnership). During this time I had frequent conversations with her to allow her to express her fears around this continuing situation. At the end of each conversation we reconfirmed our commitment to continue with the lesson until the fear was gone. (Not always easy, but simple to do.)
  5. I continued to ask my soul for the answer and in time, when enough time had passed for my inner child to know that she had survived and could continue to survive with this fear, the answer came again in the form of a crystal clear dream about my parents.
  6. With the understanding of the dream I was able to see the aspect of myself that Jonathan was mirroring to me through his behavior. I was able to see that over 4 months I had experienced this fear and survived. I talked to my inner child and we agreed there was no need to fear this anymore and in doing so, we integrated this fear. We also changed our behavior. We began to allow others to feel their pain without needing to fix it. This eliminated the symptoms I was having.
  7. I released Jonathan from his role with heart-felt appreciation. I also released myself.
  8. Lesson complete.

Jelaila Starr

Written April 11, 2000

Readers Comments

“Wow! A very powerful story Jelaila and one that has me thinking and asking what your story “mirrors” for me and why it made me cry? Funny too, a ring is in my story. My ring is a “mother’s ring” and motherhood has been my lifelong commitment and promise to the Universe. I say “promise” for I feel I took on motherhood as a spiritual endeavour. It has been, BTW, mostly sweet. But of course their have been many lessons as well … Great story Jelaila!” Love, Kathy

“I happened across your ‘Facing the Fear of Commitment’ article this morning. It helped me understand myself a little better. I have been dating my partner for about 5 months and our relationship has been wonderful. I’m 33 years old and have had my share of relationships, but this one has been a blessing to me on so many levels. However, I have a fear of commitment. I have noticed that whomever I date, about 4-5 months into the relationship, I start pulling away, being less intimate, having doubts, and wondering what in the world is wrong with me and why I start pushing them away. It’s a cycle and I want to break it so desperately, but do not know how. I have been to counselors before and they have helped some. The last counselor told me that my self preservation instinct kicked on sometime in my life and has yet to shut down. When I start getting close to someone it will kick in and I start pushing my partner away. After reading your article, I realized that yes it is an emotional block and I have to face my fears and give myself room to grow and change this part of my emotional psyche that is no longer helping me. I have a good life and have been blessed and am wanting to share my life with my partner. Thank you again for posting this article. I just wanted you to know it helped. Thank you,” Shelley H.