Depression as a topic has taken up countless pages of print, countless hours of research and discussion, and countless hours of treatment and diagnosis. In recent years it has received much media attention and has been attacked by an onslaught of new drugs. But until a higher perspective is introduced, no real solution will be found.
I have experienced depression for most of my life. I say that because I have no memory of not being depressed. School age days have memories of rage, terror, and hopelessness.
When I was 15 years old, I discovered sex and booze and began an odyssey of self-medication and compulsive sex until my body gave out at age 33. I can most describe the experience of depression as a constant noise, at times louder, and, at times, with less volume. Often the outside world would have no influence on how loud the noise would be. At other times an event would bring on a crush of depression completely out of proportion to the perceived situation.
I have built businesses, lost business, gotten married, gotten divorced, had children, self medicated for 18 years, and have been clean and sober for 19 years, and still found myself depressed! My only memories of depression being at a hardly perceptible level were:
1) In 1987, when I started my last business which involved leaving behind the idea that I needed others to do it.
It was also the time when I completely ignored the overwhelming problems of being successful which included severe under capitalization, a house payment of $3500.00 per month, and the fact that, at the time, I was a single parent of three teenage sons who were living with me in the house from which I ran my business (the later would certainly justify any amount of depression to most experienced parents!).
2) At the conclusion of the 1997 Nibiruan Council workshop during which I (a) experienced heart surgery aboard a ship (b) expressed uncontrolled violent rage that had been pent up for a lifetime toward my mother (c) moved into the higher perspective of seeing my contract with her where I had asked her to play the role that she had played (d) brought myself into total appreciation for what she had been willing to do for me at my request, and (e) reached a state of complete compassion (non judgement) and experienced orgasmic joy.
3) My first date with my lifemate and future (now present) wife. During our four-hour dinner, Jelaila and I talked about our lives and I allowed myself to be open in speaking about my depression, which since the August workshop had not only returned, but had reached a peak of hopelessness, despair and constant suicide scenarios.
This state of being felt even worse from my perspective because of the breakthroughs at the workshop, as described above, coupled with my quick and deep descent into total darkness. In fact, the only reason I was alive to experience that dinner date, was because of a very special relationship with a wonderful friend and lover named Shari, who had, as part of her contract (in her life blueprint) delivered me to Kansas City!
In speaking with Jelaila that evening of December 2, 1998, I found myself engaged in a conversation about the dark, for which I had so much negative judgement, with a beautiful woman who could only see a positive, beautiful side to my experience. She saw only opportunity where I saw only hopelessness.
By the end of the evening, my noise had decreased 90% to a distant hum! This was the experience that opened the doorway to my walk-in of December 10th, the recognition of my lifemate (which is a whole other story to be told at another time), and the eventual understanding and acceptance of my first role in this planetary school.
After weeks of bliss and excitement, including our marriage, trips to Mexico and California, and amazing personal interactive growth experiences together, I, Jehowah, found myself in a deep depression on a hopeless mission. And it’s taken all three of us to find a way out!
The partnership of the Soul, the Ego, and me (the Self) had to be utilized. Keeping peace instead of fear between us was essential in going through this experience. By having constant meetings between the three of us, I was able to keep an overall attitude of openness while, at the same time, feeling hopeless, despondent, useless, unloved, unloving, enraged and depressed.
This openness allowed the Light and the Dark to begin to learn how to dance together, at the same time. The lively, and at times, heated and impassioned discussions between Jelaila and me began a dance of understanding each other’s orientation as manifested by each other’s feelings, emotions, expressions, and points of view.
By expressing freely to each other, we began to really experience our roles and realize how challenging they were to be. She was able to bring in the higher perspective of the Ninth Dimension to pull me into Light (knowledge and love), and I could inundate her with the hard facts of the Third Dimension and pull her into the Dark (pain and fear). Integration on planet Earth had begun!
This openness was coupled with an almost constant willingness to experience a different perspective than where I was. This co-existed with the rage, depression and other manifestations of the Dark. Thus, I found two low profile but important keys to attaining polarity integration. It was like acknowledging that another point of view existed even if it was wrong and could never apply to my situation. The use of these keys allowed me not only to receive information (Light) and assistance from Jelaila, but also from my guides which included various members of the Council on higher D, such as my loving and supportive brother Devin, and my wonderful and powerful parents Vindra and Cobazar.
This constant flow of information, and a completely different perspective than mine, was also coupled with support and information from my dear and loving partners Versarai, Malarai, Nancy Joy and Mark Hefron. None of this information would have been of any use without openness and willingness because, without them, I could not have heard. Without hearing, I could not have hoped to integrate and balance Light and Dark.
As I sit here and write this, I experience the pain and the joy. Many circumstances in my life I would change, if I could, right now. Some of these things cause me great pain. At the same time I see and experience the connection within the relationships that bring me great joy. No longer does one exclude the other. There are no good thoughts or bad thoughts, just thoughts. With some I experience pain. With others I experience joy. Some of us experience more of one than of the other. Regardless of which way it is for each of us, the one certainty that is irrefutable is that it is what we came here to experience.
Depression is my darkness. Light is my relief.
Jonathan (Jehowah) Starr
Written August 1999